Forcing Children's Confessions

Every now and then life just slaps you upside the head with an understanding that makes you realize how blind cultural programming can make you. 

I was listening to “The Cultural Hall” podcast with Sam Young talking about his petition to stop sexual questioning of LDS children in their annual and semi-annual “worthiness interviews.” You can listen to the podcast here.

Sam made a statement in this podcast that hit me like a brick to the face. I’m still reeling from it. He said,

“You know, the problem with these interviews is that they are coerced confessions.”

His statement here is amazingly intuitive…and a very large part of what is wrong with them. Growing up I went through my share of these interviews and frankly, I detested them. I was always uncomfortable especially when the bishops would start into the sexual questions, and for the record, yes, I lied about masturbation too, which never set well with me. I was raised in a home where honesty was valued.

Let’s call these interviews by their proper name, “coerced confessions.” Digging a little deeper, it’s important to understand that forced confessions are a mark of zealotry. The only difference between a forced confession today and one that occurred during the horrible period of the Spanish Inquisition was that today they can't use physical torture and they can’t burn you at the stake for heresy. They can do something almost as bad though. They can shame you, tell your parents, and make life a living hell.

I saw one young lady stand up in “Fast and Testimony meeting,” who apologized to the entire ward for having gotten pregnant out of wedlock. It was forty-seven years ago and I was only eight years old, yet I can still remember clearly the shame and embarrassment on her face.  I’m honestly surprised she never committed suicide.  I know others who did. I’m surmising here, but I have a high degree of suspicion that the bishop of the time required her to do that as part of her “repentance process.”

There’s quite a substantial difference between someone who turns to the bishop for help and one who is coerced into confessing sexual sins. Unfortunately, the sexual repression inherent in a religion which views sex outside of marriage as “the sin next to murder” doesn’t usually bode well for the person coming to ask for help as it exposes them to church discipline…which is unfortunately public in nature.  Such discipline can range from being restricted from partaking of the sacrament (a public service) to restriction from participating in church activities (even more public) to outright expulsion from the church. In the world of Mormon Leadership Roulette, honesty can be risky, especially given the cultural shame surrounding sex in Mormonism.

The sexual shame arising from the idea that “sex is the sin next to murder” which is based on a set of Book of Mormon verses (Alma 39:3-5) has resulted in a church which has left an astonishing legacy of marital problems in its wake, from marriages with extremely poor sexual communication, to sexual inhibitions between partners, to men and women who still struggle with intimacy in marriage when they are middle aged. I can say this as one who has experienced these problems. The lack of sexual intimacy was a core issue in the demise of my first marriage.

Recently Utah declared porn to be a “public health crisis.” It’s fascinating when one recognizes that the Mormon church publicly denounces porn, but doesn’t understand, nor is it willing to admit its own role in creating this so-called crisis.

I had the opportunity at one point to sit down and discuss these issues with one of the top “sexual addiction” therapists in the state of Utah. In our discussion he made some fairly significant points.

He said,

"It’s unfortunate that the church doesn’t recognize its role in creating sexual porn addicts. First, they’ve created a taboo around sex, so nobody is comfortable talking about it. In doing so they’ve given sex an aura of mystery and desirability made all the more so, because its very taboo-ness adds to the excitement and danger of finding out.  Second, parents are uncomfortable talking about sex with the children and it shuts down any ‘licit’ channels of communication. Where do they have to go to get information?  Well, today we have this resource called the Internet…and along with that comes access to porn. Third, porn is never going to tell you ‘no.’ These things all come together in a perfect storm…but it all starts with the church demonizing sex, and sexual behavior.  It is unfortunate, because sex is a human need and the shaming and demonizing sets up a person to obsess over sex rather than dealing with it in healthy ways."

The final piece of the equation though gets back to “worthiness interviews.” Here is where children are coerced in confessing their “bedroom sins” and where they are shamed and humiliated.  Here is where guilt is applied in a mistaken tactic of stopping masturbatory behavior.  Here is where children are taught to self-loath for a normal behavior.

As recently stated by the LDS Church, "worthiness interviews are considered an integral part of Mormonism." Here is where Sam's brick hit me, in realizing that we justify these interviews as “okay” because we have been culturally conditioned to think that sitting down with our untrained neighbor, (whether a plumber, or a CEO) behind a closed door, we should grant him the privilege of judging us, judging our worthiness. Even worse, we grant this person the right of questioning and judging our innocent children for sexual behavior (which in any other situation is considered “creepy” if not “criminal.”)  This is in an interview not of our choosing, and we all are being required to "confess our sins.” We and our children didn't come in to be "helped." We were "called in" and questioned for the purpose of being judged.

I never felt safe in a Mormon church in an emotional sense of the word. I realize now that it was a result of “coerced confessions.” It was the demand that I share private behavior and risk having it made public through “church discipline.”

Please help us stop the shaming and guilt for normal behavior. Sign Sam Young’s petition here.