Five Things To Consider When Exiting Mormonism

Five Things To Consider When Exiting Mormonism

By Max Crapo

Today, November 14th 2015, hundreds, if not thousands, will gather in Salt Lake City Utah to protest the LD$ Church's move to institutionalize bigotry. Many of those attending are taking the further step of separating themselves from the harsh and unjust policies of Mormonism by submitting their resignations.

It is a painful step.

It hurts to let go of cherished beliefs.  Mormonism is a "high demand" religion consuming literally billions of dollars taken from members pockets, and hundreds of millions in man-hours of time. Even worse, the act of separating yourself from the church often has real life consequences.  Family's are torn apart, and shunning by still believing family, occurs frequently.  Resignation is going to leave a "gospel sized" hole in your heart.

Standing up for what you know is right is both freeing and empowering. Once you leave, you are going to feel an amazing sense of lightness. The heavy yoke of oppressive beliefs along with the sense that for the first time in your life you are in charge of your own life is a feeling quite literally unmatched by any other.

Resignation is accompanied by heady euphoria and punctuated by grief and sadness. It is a roller-coaster of powerful emotions, many of which are difficult for Mormons to process.

As one who has been through this process, I'd like to offer a little advice.

1) Don't hide from the feelings of grief. You have just lost your community and your beliefs...beliefs which have been a part of you for your entire time as a Mormon.  Grieving is an important step on your road to owning yourself and finding authenticity. Whatever you do, don't rush into another church.  Deprogramming from a high demand religion takes time.  Steven Hassan, one of the foremost psychologists on cult deprogramming (and a cult survivor himself) suggests that it takes, on average one month of deprogramming for every year involved in a cult.

2) As you grieve you are going to begin to see all of the lies you've been fed through nearly 200 years of Mormon history.  Most of us go through a period of intense study to learn the accurate history which has been whitewashed and polished to make it more "faithful."  I encourage you to study.  As you do, you will go through a period of intense anger.  "The truth will set you free...but first it will piss you off."

Almost from birth Mormons are taught to eschew feelings of anger.  This blog talks about why and how church leaders seek to steal your anger from you. Processing your anger is probably the most important part of deprogramming.  Don't shy away from it.  The deeper you bury it and the longer you hide from it, the more damage it does. Don't try to rush through it either.  Process it. Ask yourself why you are angry. As you process it, it will begin to fade away.  Like all wounds, exposure to air helps them heal.


3) Many, when first leaving the church rush out and try all of the things they'd been forbidden to do. I have no problem with this because I think experience teaches us important lessons. It is only through experience that we can truly understand both life and "who we are." I caution you to take it slow and careful and please remain on the right side of the law.  It is really easy to get yourself into a lot of trouble when the brakes have been removed.  The problem with growing up in a high demand religion like Mormonism is for your entire life, someone else has been in control of the brakes.  Now you have to learn the control.  It's really easy to misjudge and end up in a (metaphorical) accident.



4) As you fall down the rabbit hole you're going to learn just how deep it goes. Things that were done in God's name in early church history are shocking and disgusting. People were murdered, non-Mormons were plundered, and there were conspiracies committed at the highest levels of church leadership. Resist the urge to share your new-found knowledge with your still believing family and friends. At this point it will only create a bigger gulf between you and them.  Church issues are getting more and more public exposure and eventually, your loved ones are going to question. At that point, guide them to resources like Mormonthink.com and CESLetter.com. Let them find out for themselves. It is far more effective when they do.

 5) For those of you resigning over the church's mistreatment and institutionalizing of bigotry toward the gays and their children, CONGRATULATIONS!!!  You have shown that you possess the most important trait of all...empathy. True morality is found in empathy. You've shown that you value fairness and kindness.




You're trading in a harsh, inflexible, externally imposed "moral code" and gain something far more valuable...a "moral compass."

I'm really glad I left the church when I did, even though it was at a time when support groups were few and far between. I've watched over the years since as support groups have exploded across the Interwebs and people worldwide are communicating together.





Remember that gospel sized hole in your heart?  Give it time to heal.  Reevaluate your beliefs and your priorities.  Over time that hole will fill in and you will own yourself.



Above all, remember this; you are not alone.