MORMONISM: THE MARRIAGE CRISIS

MORMONISM: THE MARRIAGE CRISIS
By Max Crapo

In a recent address for a YSA (Young Single Adult) fireside, Elder Russell M. Ballard made an off the cuff comment which was politically unwise. He said:

“It's just that simple ladies. If you aren't married, put on a little lipstick so you don't look like a man.”

The entire video can be seen here. The remark can be observed at the 1 hour and 25 minute mark.

This statement is breathtaking in its exposure of the depths of Mormon misogyny. In a single statement, he blamed women for their lack of effort and their looks, emotionally stabbing them in the heart and twisting the knife over what is increasingly becoming a crisis in the church.

As was discussed in this “Time” article, Mormonism is in the early stages of a marriage crisis. Statistics quoted from this article claim that there is an increasing gap between the numbers of single women to single men.  At the time this article was published the ratio was 1.7:1 in Utah. Recent estimates put this ratio at closer to 2:1, Men statistically are more likely to leave the church than women, which is resulting in an increasing surplus of women. In the context of Russell M. Ballard’s remarks, it is the men who are delaying marriage but blaming the women as the reason.  As the Time’s article points out, men have no real incentive to marry.  With the plethora of dating choices someone else “better” might come along.

Mormon leaders correctly see this as the beginning of a crisis.  Here’s why. The church has two sources for increasing membership.  The first is through recruitment, and to that end the church has more than 85,000 missionaries going door-to-door.  Despite nearly doubling the number of missionaries in recent years, the church’s annual recruitment numbers have remained nearly static. Retention rates of Mormon converts demonstrate that nearly 2/3rds of converts are no longer active by the end of the first year of membership. Some estimates are claiming that upwards of 50% of returned missionaries are leaving the church within five years of the completion of their mission.

The second method of increasing membership, and the one which has been the far more effective method of recruitment, is LDS birthrates.  Mormons have long been known as a group with significantly higher than average birthrates. In recent years those numbers have been declining and are approaching national averages. Indoctrinated from birth, members are far more likely to remain active (and more importantly) tithe-paying members.

Talks by Thomas S. Monson and Richard G. Scott in LDS General Conference are becoming increasingly shrill, chastising men for their unwillingness to date and marry. 

“Now, I have thought a lot lately about you young men who are of an age to marry but who have not yet felt to do so. I see lovely young ladies who desire to be married and to raise families, and yet their opportunities are limited because so many young men are postponing marriage.”  --Thomas S. Monson, “Priesthood Power” April 2011

“If you are a young man of appropriate age and are not married, don't waste time in idle pursuits," Scott urged. "Get on with life and focus on getting married. Don't just coast through this period of life."--Quoted by Sltrib.com

The reasons for this, I think go beyond the sheer availability of women and the lack of men.

As I recently dicussed in this blog post, sexual control by Mormon leaders is one of the defining characteristics of Mormonism.  Almost from birth both boys and girls are taught lessons on the “evils” of sex outside of marriage. It is compared in Mormon scripture to be one of the most serious of sins, “next to murder in its seriousness.”  Sexual guilt and shaming are staples of Mormon lessons.  Masturbation is taught as a sin, pornography is called “the new drug” and comparisons are drawn between sexual experience and “licked cupcakes” or “chewed bubblegum.”  Girls are taught that their value is measured by their “virtue” and their “modesty.” Sex is nearly always taught from a culture of fear. Girls are taught through messages of "modesty" that they are “responsible” for the sexual thoughts of men and often blamed for assaults by men. These teachings are reinforced through one-on-one worthiness interviews which include highly inappropriate questions regarding sexual experience and behavior. As quoted from a dear friend after being raped:

"Distraught and not knowing where to turn, I went to my bishop and told him what happened. The bishop asked for detailed information...did I let him touch me on my breasts on the outside and inside of my clothes? Did I let him touch me on my private parts on the outside and inside of my clothes? How loudly did I say no? How forcefully did I push him away? He then informs me that I am responsible for the young man's sexual behavior and puts me on probation. I am not allowed to hold a church calling, to pray or take the sacrament for 6 months. I am devastated and confused but he assures me that I am responsible for the young man’s behavior."

Mormons are counseled (very nearly forbidden) by church leadership to date prior to age sixteen. After that age they are encouraged to only go on “group dates” to reduce the risk of sexual impropriety. Upon graduation boys are strongly encouraged to go on missions where they live in an environment which enforces “arm’s length” rules in any interactions with members of the opposite sex.  Women are permitted to serve missions at age 19 and are subject to the same arms length rule.  This one-and-a-half to two year period of missionary service is tightly controlled with rules which fill a nearly 60 page book known as the missionary handbook. It is a book which missionaries are required to carry at all times.

After returning from a mission, the boys are then finally encouraged to find an “eternal mate.”

Almost from the time of the onset of puberty, touching is frowned on, and sexual touching is called sinful. How then are Mormon men and women to cross this enormous gulf to become “one?” Even those who are successful in finding a spouse and marry, this indoctrination goes on to detrimentally impact intimacy in marriage. Psychologically, these young men and women have been taught their entire lives to fear their own and each other’s sexuality.  It is a form of programming which is deeply inculcated and difficult to overcome. Men begin to loath themselves for even feeling sexual desire. Sexual repression is nearly inescapable. Sex becomes hidden and dark and the only outlet prior to marriage is usually porn.

For women, the emphasis of these teachings supports something even worse, a belief that their only value is an intact hymen prior to marriage and a fruitful womb after. Further, the teachings on modesty reinforce the belief that they are the guardians of sexual purity and must at all costs be the brakes on sexual behavior in the marriage. After all, culturally, they are responsible for men's thoughts.

These are devastating messages and impact our psyche deeply.  A ceremony and a piece of cake are not things which are going to magically undo a lifetime of indoctrination.

In focusing on sexual behavior as a lever of control, Mormon leadership is now becoming a victim of their own success. In a slight rewording of an old adage, “Life is sexually transmitted.” In seeking abject control over members through the most powerful tool of control, that of sexuality, they have created an environment where members may “disassociate.” This is a psychological state where those so afflicted are unable to form meaningful, lasting, and deeply intimate relationships. Dating, marriage and family as an "expected duty" sans meaningful intimacy is seldom a recipe for marital bliss.

In a classic example of "the law of unintended consequences" it is in short, unwitting religious sabotage of what should be the most intimate relationship of our lives. For some, this indoctrination has created a lifelong sentence of emotional isolation. Others, through counseling and therapy are eventually able to overcome intimacy issues. Then there are those fortunate few who escape the indoctrination through luck, personality, home life or some combination of all these things.
They are truly the "fortunate few."