Monday, October 19, 2015

MORMONISM: CULTURE OF SHUNNING

Public announcement of excommunications circa 1947
--Deseret News

Mormonism: Culture of Shunning
By Max D. Crapo


In a BBC interview Mar 30, 2012, Jeffrey R. Holland categorically denied that Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormonism) engages in shunning.  In fact, Mormonism has no “doctrine” or “principle” of shunning such as the Amish and other select religious sects do. However, the Mormon culture, teachings and canonized scripture are full of examples which subtly encourage “shunning” as a practice, if not as a principle. 

(Included are excerpts of just a few of many statements on shunning from my ex-Mormon friends)
*I was working twelve hour days in an effort to get my business off the ground. When I got home at the end of each day, my wife gave me the silent treatment. If I sat down next to her, she'd stand up and walk out of the room. It was so stressful. After a few weeks of this, I started having chest pain and a visit to the doctor with an EKG showed signs of a heart attack.  My doctor said to me, "I can't advise you to get divorced, but if something doesn't change you will probably be dead within two years."

In my own exodus from Mormonism the culture of shunning quickly became apparent, from formerly close siblings who quit communicating with me, to a bishop who encouraged my (now ex) wife to divorce me.  Within weeks of leaving, very few ward members would even talk to me.  Several times, when I was grocery shopping, a ward member would see me, turn around and go the other way.  It was heart rending. This is not an uncommon occurrence as reported to me by many of my ex-Mormon friends.

*Several family members said that it would be easier to deal with our death than us leaving the church (because we would have gone straight to the Celestial Kingdom, but now we will be in outer darkness of course). Several of my in laws said "this has been the hardest thing I have ever been through" after we left the church. My MIL had cancer, lost her mother at a young age, had a miscarriage, one of her sons ran over and killed a child (not his fault).

In every human society, solitary confinement is a punishment.  It is a punishment reserved for the worst offenders.  Banishment in ages past was the ultimate punishment because loss of tribe usually meant death. Humans have evolved to see banishment, social ostracizing, and the silent treatment to be on par with death.  Frequently “social suicide” becomes suicide "in fact."  The human condition is such that connection with other humans is a need.  Babies who are left alone frequently die from lack of touch. Those who don’t “disassociate” and are unable to form meaningful relationships with others.  

*His brother said, "I know you feel the need to stand by your wife, but there are some things you shouldn't stick with your wife through."

Shunning is a form of solitary confinement, embodied in social ostracizing and coupled with the silent treatment. It destroys friendships, divides family, and tears people apart. It is an attempt to force behavior through emotional cruelty. It is the antithesis of kindness, and the very opposite of Christ-like behavior.

*When I was married the bishop told my husband... I would divorce her if I was married to her.  My husband told me that with relish. I never confronted the bishop.

While Mormon leaders outwardly condemn the practice of shunning, what happens behind closed doors is a different story.  In order to attend the LDS Church’s holiest of ceremonies, one must pass a “worthiness” interview which consists of a series of questions.  Pertinent to shunning, the question is asked:

“Do you support, affiliate with, or agree with any group or individual whose teachings or practices are contrary to, or oppose those accepted by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints?” This is easily interpreted as a directive to shun those who leave the church.

*My stake president counseled my husband to not let me discuss church issues when I was going through my faith transition. My husband and I had agreed that tithing would be cut in half, part to the church, part to the charity if my choice. The stake president then intervened and told him to go back to a full tithe. The stake president (who is also an attorney) counseled my husband to open a separate banking account, in his name only, to "protect himself". I had never given my husband a reason to worry about over-spending.*

Denigration of those who have left Mormonism has a long history, beginning in the days of Joseph Smith, and carried throughout Mormon history.  For example, early in the history of Mormonism, Brigham Young had this to say on the subject of “apostasy.”

“On this particular point I said a little a Sunday or two ago. I will now take the liberty of saying a little more. If there is a despicable character on the face of the earth, it is an apostate from this Church. He is a traitor who has deceived his best friends, betrayed his trust, and forfeited every principle of honor that God placed within him. They may think they are respected, but they are not. They are disgraced in their own eyes. There is not much honesty within them; they have forfeited their heaven, sold their birthright, and betrayed their friends. What will the devil do with such characters? Will he have them in his kingdom? Yes, he will be obliged to, because he is an apostate himself. He apostatized from the Celestial Kingdom, and was thrust down to hell. Yet, when apostates get to his kingdom, he will say—“I do not like you, for you are just as mean as I am. I was a traitor and a liar, and I am yet. I despise myself and every character that betrays his trust.””
--Remarks by President Brigham Young, delivered in the Bowery, Great Salt Lake City, June 30th, 1867.  Reported by David W. Evans.

*My ex-wife's father is part of a temple presidency. Once he knew I had left the church, he told her to leave me. His concern was her salvation and the salvation of my children. Then about a week before the divorce was final he sent us both a letter telling us how selfish we were being for getting divorced and because we weren't thinking of the wellbeing of his grandchildren (he never referred to them as our children, only HIS grandchildren). He called us both to repentance in the letter and counseled us to think about the consequences our actions would have on his grandchildren. I didn't reply to his letter. It seemed so hypocritical to me that he would advise his daughter to divorce me and then call her to repentance for divorcing me.

In October of 2014, Neil Anderson, an Apostle for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints quoted former LDS Apostle Neil A. Maxwell:

“Studying the Church . . . through the eyes of its defectors,” Elder Neal A. Maxwell once said, is “like interviewing Judas to understand Jesus.  Defectors always tell us more about themselves than about that from which they have departed.”
--Neil Anderson, General Conference, October 2014, "Joseph Smith."

Although this comment is not a direct call to shun those who have left the church, the parallel between Mormon "apostates" and Judas was clearly an attempt to link in the minds of the believers the idea that apostates are traitors. 

*My ex got a blessing from a man in the ward that the lord was preparing a new man for her while we were still married.

"The Bitter Fruits of Apostasy"  from the Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith says, 

“From what source emanated the principle which has ever been manifested by apostates from the true Church to persecute with double diligence, and seek with double perseverance, to destroy those whom they once professed to love, with whom they once communed, and with whom they once covenanted to strive with every power in righteousness to obtain the rest of God? Perhaps our brethren will say the same that caused Satan to seek to overthrow the kingdom of God, because he himself was evil, and God’s kingdom is holy.”

This is a clear accusation that ex-Mormons are "Satan's minions" as Satan is the source alluded to in this paragraph. It is a subtle accusation that "apostates" have been deluded by and are promoting through lies and deceit an unholy agenda.  The denigration and slander is unmistakable, and members incorporate these ideas into dealing with family who has left.  The psychological implications are terribly damaging to familial interpersonal relationships. The judgment and condemnation is present in every conversation with still believing family members. These pejoratives are internalized by members and "apostates" are often referred to as deluded by Satan, deceivers, and liars.

--"The Bitter Fruits of Apostasy," The Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith"

*My sister wrote my ex a letter telling him he could divorce me if I wasn't going to keep my covenants.
*My brother in law told my wife he'd be there for her if she left me. The whole ward gave my wife condolences and pity and couldn't help but chime in with shitty statements about people who leave. And my bishop gave a whole talk in church specifically mentioning things we'd said in an interview and blaming me for laziness and a host of other weaknesses.  […] But yeah, he didn't "council" my wife to leave me, just treated it like her leaving was a forgone conclusion and gave her advice and gentle pushes in that direction. 

In recent years, Thomas S. Monson, the current President of the LDS Church remarked, 

"Throughout the journey along the pathway of life, there are casualties. Some depart from the road markers which point toward life eternal, only to discover the detour chosen ultimately leads to a dead end. Indifference, carelessness, selfishness, and sin all take their costly toll in human lives.

Change for the better can come to all. Over the years we have issued appeals to the less active, the offended, the critical, the transgressor—to come back. “Come back and feast at the table of the Lord, and taste again the sweet and satisfying fruits of fellowship with the Saints.”


--"Looking Back and Moving Forward", President Thomas S. Monson, President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints
This list of pejoratives issued by the highest leader in the Church gave each church member permission to slot those who have left into a list of categories. These are: indifferent, careless, critical, transgressor, offended, and sinner.  Such a list actually ignores the real reason for apostasy. Those reasons include intentional deception of critical historical facts, whitewashing of early leader's lives, doctrinal contradictions, Book of Mormon anachronisms, and scientific discoveries which negate the historicity of the Book of Mormon, the Book of Abraham, the Great Flood, and the Tower of Babel...things, on which the entire foundation of Mormonism rests.

Instead of asking why apostates have left, members ask "for which of these following reasons did you leave? To sin? Were you offended? Did you just get tired of trying to live the gospel (lazy?) The assumption by members is that there are no legitimate reasons for departure...further eroding the relationships within the families of true believers.


*My mother in law basically tried to recruit an army of people to try and convince my husband to divorce me. My SIL told me about it. SIL and MIL are not exactly on speaking terms, so for MIL to go to SIL to try and "recruit" her was a big deal. If she went to her, she was going to EVERYBODY. Saying that I was not a worthy wife and I'm dragging him down. I was pregnant at the time and she even went so far as to say "I knew that baby was a mistake. Now she has him trapped." Luckily, my husband isn't an asshole and that was the last straw for him. He wrote her off for trying to dismantle his family over something so trivial.” 

Religious denigration of those of us who have chosen a different path has resulted in the wreckage of human connections; with the corpses of valuable relationships strewn on the beaches and shoals of religious divide. We are accused of being bitter, and angry because of our defection.  It is pointed at as a "consequence of the loss of the Holy Spirit" rather than what it really is...the rejection, the condemnation, and the judgment of our still believing family.  Our anger and our bitterness is caused by grief of the death or wounding of our most important relationships, engendered by the Mormon culture of shunning. 

15 comments:

  1. WOW!!!!!!!! One day I will post this.

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  2. Very sad indeed................ I never knew how hard it would be to leave this religion, until I did. My experience have paralleled some of these above for mentioned instances. However, if you ask my family and friends they will have a different perspective. Sad, sad, sad.

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  3. Thank you Max, this is some stunningly good work! Very much appreciated.

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  4. "The questions follow: How do we respond to such malicious and evil designs? Do we strike back? Allow me to suggest a course of action—one which is in harmony with the teachings of the Savior, and one which, if followed, will be in harmony with the wise counsel of prophets past and present:

    Avoid those who would tear down your faith. Faith-killers are to be shunned. The seeds which they plant in the minds and hearts of men grow like cancer and eat away the Spirit." -- Carlos Asay, Oct. 1981 General Conference

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  5. I look forward to the day that we are loved for being human and not simply for the religion we belong to. Thank you for putting this so precisely.

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  6. My greatest pain was shunning myself. After my excommunication, I lost perspective, a whole way of life, a whole congregation of friends who I had grown up with for 21 years.

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    1. Fearing rejection from our own families, alas, does create the potential for creating distance too. I will be the first to admit that many of us also sabotaged relationships because of our fear of rejection.

      Brene Brown has a wonderful talk on the "power of vulnerability". It is well worth watching and addresses this fear.

      https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability?language=en

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  7. A few years ago my wife had this little encounter with the bishop.
    I hadn’t been to church for at least a year. Victoria still attended because she really loved the girls she worked with in YW. My son was almost 12 or had already turned 12, I’m not sure, but the bishop approached her and tried to press her for details about my son getting the priesthood. She said something to the effect of, “We are letting our kids make their own decisions about the church.” In response the bishop told her something to the effect of, “You can’t sit on that fence forever. Eventually you are going to have to choose a side.” I don’t know if the bishop expected the outcome he got but she stopped attending a few months after that.

    As you stated there may not be an established policy of shunning, But when you present family members of apostates with this false dichotomy, the implication is clear.

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  8. I will say without any reservation that finding out Joe Smith was a conman and a liar was exhilarating! Leaving the church and the snotty, judgmental people was like drinking cool fresh water. Taking my place among the world and her people was amazing! Wearing my own underwear, making all my own choices was like a delicious fruit. BUT....being shunned, thrown away, torn to shreds by my LDS family and friends was the ONLY HORRID, EVIL and continues to this day to be the HELL they talk about. Nothing and no one else created that hell but THEM.

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  9. Very well-said Max. I've been very fortunate that I did not lose my relationship with my family when I left that organization. It is important for everyone to know that this happens, though, and to think about what is important (keeping the family together) and what is not. Thank you for writing this essay.

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  10. Thank you so much for writing this. Sorry in advance for this wall of text. It has been one year since I stumbled on the essays on lds.org revealing aspects of church history I knew had been covered up. This caused me to search and search for truth. When I found the truth had been discarded when church members were provided with a whitewashed narrative, I knew I had to stand up and say something. I asked questions. I had a lot of them. I met with my bishop. I met with the stake president. In the beginning my own husband would not look at any of the new information I was learning. He told me I was being led astray and that there was something wrong with me that I couldn't just have faith. Luckily the bishop suggested my husband actually take some time to read the essays and talk with me. However, my optimism with how the bishop handled this soon turned sour. In a course of a few weeks I was told that because I have a history of mental illness (postpartum depression) I could not interpret my feelings or the spirit well enough and that what I felt was null and void. Didn't I know a lot of this stuff already? I was ruining my eternal marriage. I was choosing to be parted from my family. My daughters would suffer not being taught the powerful truths provided by the restoration. My ancestors who knew Joseph Smith would be disgraced. I was ruining a great legacy. Others chimed in and suggested there must be something in my past I had not taken care of. I was doing something wrong or just plain not doing enough to keep my testimony. I was being prideful by hanging on to my doubts. You find what you search for, you must have wanted to leave the church. You're being caught up in a trend. Choose to have faith. I met with the stake president and was told similar things: that all the issues I had were not new and had been hashed over already. The historical problems I see are just historical minutiae and I must have never had a testimony in the first place. I realize they weren't right and did what they did out of fear. When my husband saw me repeatedly thrown under the bus he started looking into things for himself more thoroughly. I realized I wasn't the one having a crisis. The church was having a truth crisis. I have since forgiven the bishop and have kept in touch as friends. I understand the fear. I understand the pain is sometimes too great. I am slowly untangling from Mormonism and have found great peace. I wish there was just more love and understanding and less fear. I don't know how it will happen though, when leaders continually vilify the doubters and skeptics. I was reminded just this last conference that it is easy to be skeptical (hmmmm) and that I should just give Joseph a Break! Just more ammo for believers to throw at people who dare to question.

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    1. Bless your heart. I read your post with tears in my heart. So much of the gaslighting and abuse you endured...I also endured. I left my Country of Origin over the abuse. You are not wrong, nor crazy. You are a very strong courageous person. I'm not one to care too much about "legacy" whether in the past or the future. I'm interested in making my time on earth authentic. Everyone else must go on the same journey. If there is one thing I would love to do it would be to save the girls from the YW's program. That is pure evil and will destroy the girls.

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  11. Wait a sec... Holland says no more shunning?!? I can't wait for the announcement in General Conference.

    I feel bad for my friends that were shunned by their spouses and ended up getting a divorce just because they no longer believe all the claims of Mormonism and now can no longer see their own children when they want.

    However, I am also so glad the current leadership will now make it clear that shunning and rejection of loved ones and spouse is wrong just because they have doubts or disbelief and that it will no longer be tolerated.

    Maybe there is hope for my children having both parents in the home after all... 'glad I held out. Hooray.. :-)

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    1. Holland says, "no we don't believe in shunning." That's different than saying "no more shunning."

      It's that difference between an overt vs. covert message. Overtly, church leaders say, "we don't shun", but covertly, they tell you to avoid those who might damage your testimony.

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