MORMONISM: CULTURE OF SHUNNING

Public announcement of excommunications circa 1947

--Deseret News

Mormonism: Culture of Shunning
By Max D. Crapo

In a BBC interview Mar 30, 2012, Jeffrey R. Holland categorically denied that Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormonism) engages in shunning.  In fact, Mormonism has no “doctrine” or “principle” of shunning such as the Amish and other select religious sects do. However, the Mormon culture, teachings and canonized scripture are full of examples which subtly encourage “shunning” as a practice, if not as a principle. 

(Included are excerpts of just a few of many statements on shunning from my ex-Mormon friends)

*I was working twelve hour days in an effort to get my business off the ground. When I got home at the end of each day, my wife gave me the silent treatment. If I sat down next to her, she'd stand up and walk out of the room. It was so stressful. After a few weeks of this, I started having chest pain and a visit to the doctor with an EKG showed signs of a heart attack.  My doctor said to me, "I can't advise you to get divorced, but if something doesn't change you will probably be dead within two years."

In my own exodus from Mormonism the culture of shunning quickly became apparent, from formerly close siblings who quit communicating with me, to a bishop who encouraged my (now ex) wife to divorce me.  Within weeks of leaving, very few ward members would even talk to me.  Several times, when I was grocery shopping, a ward member would see me, turn around and go the other way.  It was heart rending. This is not an uncommon occurrence as reported to me by many of my ex-Mormon friends.

*Several family members said that it would be easier to deal with our death than us leaving the church (because we would have gone straight to the Celestial Kingdom, but now we will be in outer darkness of course). Several of my in laws said "this has been the hardest thing I have ever been through" after we left the church. My MIL had cancer, lost her mother at a young age, had a miscarriage, one of her sons ran over and killed a child (not his fault).

In every human society, solitary confinement is a punishment.  It is a punishment reserved for the worst offenders.  Banishment in ages past was the ultimate punishment because loss of tribe usually meant death. Humans have evolved to see banishment, social ostracizing, and the silent treatment to be on par with death.  Frequently “social suicide” becomes suicide "in fact."  The human condition is such that connection with other humans is a need.  Babies who are left alone frequently die from lack of touch. Those who don’t “disassociate” and are unable to form meaningful relationships with others.  

*His brother said, "I know you feel the need to stand by your wife, but there are some things you shouldn't stick with your wife through."

Shunning is a form of solitary confinement, embodied in social ostracizing and coupled with the silent treatment. It destroys friendships, divides family, and tears people apart. It is an attempt to force behavior through emotional cruelty. It is the antithesis of kindness, and the very opposite of Christ-like behavior.

*When I was married the bishop told my husband... I would divorce her if I was married to her.  My husband told me that with relish. I never confronted the bishop.

While Mormon leaders outwardly condemn the practice of shunning, what happens behind closed doors is a different story.  In order to attend the LDS Church’s holiest of ceremonies, one must pass a “worthiness” interview which consists of a series of questions.  Pertinent to shunning, the question is asked:

“Do you support, affiliate with, or agree with any group or individual whose teachings or practices are contrary to, or oppose those accepted by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints?” This is easily interpreted as a directive to shun those who leave the church.

*My stake president counseled my husband to not let me discuss church issues when I was going through my faith transition. My husband and I had agreed that tithing would be cut in half, part to the church, part to the charity if my choice. The stake president then intervened and told him to go back to a full tithe. The stake president (who is also an attorney) counseled my husband to open a separate banking account, in his name only, to "protect himself". I had never given my husband a reason to worry about over-spending.*

Denigration of those who have left Mormonism has a long history, beginning in the days of Joseph Smith, and carried throughout Mormon history.  For example, early in the history of Mormonism, Brigham Young had this to say on the subject of “apostasy.”

“On this particular point I said a little a Sunday or two ago. I will now take the liberty of saying a little more. If there is a despicable character on the face of the earth, it is an apostate from this Church. He is a traitor who has deceived his best friends, betrayed his trust, and forfeited every principle of honor that God placed within him. They may think they are respected, but they are not. They are disgraced in their own eyes. There is not much honesty within them; they have forfeited their heaven, sold their birthright, and betrayed their friends. What will the devil do with such characters? Will he have them in his kingdom? Yes, he will be obliged to, because he is an apostate himself. He apostatized from the Celestial Kingdom, and was thrust down to hell. Yet, when apostates get to his kingdom, he will say—“I do not like you, for you are just as mean as I am. I was a traitor and a liar, and I am yet. I despise myself and every character that betrays his trust.””

--Remarks by President Brigham Young, delivered in the Bowery, Great Salt Lake City, June 30th, 1867.  Reported by David W. Evans.

*My ex-wife's father is part of a temple presidency. Once he knew I had left the church, he told her to leave me. His concern was her salvation and the salvation of my children. Then about a week before the divorce was final he sent us both a letter telling us how selfish we were being for getting divorced and because we weren't thinking of the wellbeing of his grandchildren (he never referred to them as our children, only HIS grandchildren). He called us both to repentance in the letter and counseled us to think about the consequences our actions would have on his grandchildren. I didn't reply to his letter. It seemed so hypocritical to me that he would advise his daughter to divorce me and then call her to repentance for divorcing me.

In October of 2014, Neil Anderson, an Apostle for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints quoted former LDS Apostle Neil A. Maxwell:

“Studying the Church . . . through the eyes of its defectors,” Elder Neal A. Maxwell once said, is “like interviewing Judas to understand Jesus.  Defectors always tell us more about themselves than about that from which they have departed.”

--Neil Anderson, General Conference, October 2014, "Joseph Smith."

Although this comment is not a direct call to shun those who have left the church, the parallel between Mormon "apostates" and Judas was clearly an attempt to link in the minds of the believers the idea that apostates are traitors. 

*My ex got a blessing from a man in the ward that the lord was preparing a new man for her while we were still married.

"The Bitter Fruits of Apostasy"  from the Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith says, 

“From what source emanated the principle which has ever been manifested by apostates from the true Church to persecute with double diligence, and seek with double perseverance, to destroy those whom they once professed to love, with whom they once communed, and with whom they once covenanted to strive with every power in righteousness to obtain the rest of God? Perhaps our brethren will say the same that caused Satan to seek to overthrow the kingdom of God, because he himself was evil, and God’s kingdom is holy.”

This is a clear accusation that ex-Mormons are "Satan's minions" as Satan is the source alluded to in this paragraph. It is a subtle accusation that "apostates" have been deluded by and are promoting through lies and deceit an unholy agenda.  The denigration and slander is unmistakable, and members incorporate these ideas into dealing with family who has left.  The psychological implications are terribly damaging to familial interpersonal relationships. The judgment and condemnation is present in every conversation with still believing family members. These pejoratives are internalized by members and "apostates" are often referred to as deluded by Satan, deceivers, and liars.

--"The Bitter Fruits of Apostasy," The Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith"

*My sister wrote my ex a letter telling him he could divorce me if I wasn't going to keep my covenants.

*My brother in law told my wife he'd be there for her if she left me. The whole ward gave my wife condolences and pity and couldn't help but chime in with shitty statements about people who leave. And my bishop gave a whole talk in church specifically mentioning things we'd said in an interview and blaming me for laziness and a host of other weaknesses.  […] But yeah, he didn't "council" my wife to leave me, just treated it like her leaving was a forgone conclusion and gave her advice and gentle pushes in that direction. 

In recent years, Thomas S. Monson, the current President of the LDS Church remarked, 

"Throughout the journey along the pathway of life, there are casualties. Some depart from the road markers which point toward life eternal, only to discover the detour chosen ultimately leads to a dead end. Indifference, carelessness, selfishness, and sin all take their costly toll in human lives.

Change for the better can come to all. Over the years we have issued appeals to the less active, the offended, the critical, the transgressor—to come back. “Come back and feast at the table of the Lord, and taste again the sweet and satisfying fruits of fellowship with the Saints.””

--"Looking Back and Moving Forward", President Thomas S. Monson, President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

This list of pejoratives issued by the highest leader in the Church gave each church member permission to slot those who have left into a list of categories. These are: indifferent, careless, critical, transgressor, offended, and sinner.  Such a list actually ignores the real reason for apostasy. Those reasons include intentional deception of critical historical facts, whitewashing of early leader's lives, doctrinal contradictions, Book of Mormon anachronisms, and scientific discoveries which negate the historicity of the Book of Mormon, the Book of Abraham, the Great Flood, and the Tower of Babel...things, on which the entire foundation of Mormonism rests.

Instead of asking why apostates have left, members ask "for which of these following reasons did you leave? To sin? Were you offended? Did you just get tired of trying to live the gospel (lazy?) The assumption by members is that there are no legitimate reasons for departure...further eroding the relationships within the families of true believers.

*My mother in law basically tried to recruit an army of people to try and convince my husband to divorce me. My SIL told me about it. SIL and MIL are not exactly on speaking terms, so for MIL to go to SIL to try and "recruit" her was a big deal. If she went to her, she was going to EVERYBODY. Saying that I was not a worthy wife and I'm dragging him down. I was pregnant at the time and she even went so far as to say "I knew that baby was a mistake. Now she has him trapped." Luckily, my husband isn't an asshole and that was the last straw for him. He wrote her off for trying to dismantle his family over something so trivial.” 

Religious denigration of those of us who have chosen a different path has resulted in the wreckage of human connections; with the corpses of valuable relationships strewn on the beaches and shoals of religious divide. We are accused of being bitter, and angry because of our defection.  It is pointed at as a "consequence of the loss of the Holy Spirit" rather than what it really is...the rejection, the condemnation, and the judgment of our still believing family.  Our anger and our bitterness is caused by grief of the death or wounding of our most important relationships, engendered by the Mormon culture of shunning.