Mormon Worthiness Interviews: Or How To Indoctrinate Toxic Shame

Mormon Worthiness Interviews:

Or How To Indoctrinate Toxic Shame

Remorse, shame, and guilt. 

Arguably, these three words describe the most painful moments of our lives. Some think that they are the same thing. I think that there are distinctions among them which have important bearing on our social interactions. Without understanding these distinctions  we make assumptions which can have long term and damaging influence on our lives and the lives of our friends and family.

Regrettably, America is fundamentally a shaming culture. We shame  and blame people and behavior we disapprove of,  regardless of whether or not harm was caused . In my view the fundamental difference between guilt and remorse is that guilt is imposed through shame, where remorse is the internal acknowledgement of our basic empathy. When we have caused harm to another our own internal compass makes us feel remorse. Guilt however is a result of shame, and is not remorse. Guilt is externally imposed, remorse is internal and a product of empathy.

Let me give a personal example. I figured out the masturbation thing at around 12 years of age. I did it, it felt good, and I went on with life. Periodically, I'd do it again. I didn't feel one iota of remorse for doing so. I never associated it with sexual behavior, nor did I need porn. (This was back in the pre-Internet days.)  

At around 15 years of age, I was summoned for a “worthiness interview.” As a Mormon, these annual interviews were employed to make sure we were “living to the standards of the Church“

During this “interview” I was placed in an office with a man more than twice my age. There were no others in the office with us. The door was closed, and there was no window. The man conducting the interview is known in Mormonism as a “Bishop,” which is analogous to a pastor in Christian sects. In Mormonism though, these men aren't just pastors, they are also viewed as “judges in Israel.”

According to Mormon theology these men aren't only placed in authority over the congregation they are also granted, by virtue of their “calling” an extra measure of “spiritual discernment.”  Such discernment is to be used in ascertaining a member’s “worthiness” to “serve in positions of responsibility.”  More importantly, they are to decide when a member hasn't kept the “standards of the Church,” the type of punishment and length of time endured without a recurrence of “sinful behavior“ before a member has sufficiently repented and is welcomed back into full acceptance in the Church. 

 In the interests of full disclosure these punishments fall (generally) into one of four actions.

1. The member is forbidden from taking “the Sacrament.” This is a weekly, public ceremony. Doesn't seem like much of a punishment, right? For an adolescent and teenager though, it can be mortifying. For these ages, not taking the sacrament generally has one meaning, you did the big no no, and were involved in some kind of sexual sin, like masturbation or petting. In a society obsessed with sexual purity, this is a much more serious social punishment than it appears to outsiders. 
2. In addition to the first condition, the member is also forbidden  from participating in classes, giving prayers, or making comments. This is usually done for those who've engaged in sexual intercourse, committing the sin of fornication. It is a form of additional social shaming.
3. The member is called into a bishop's court and “disfellowshipped.” This is a formal proceeding and goes on a permanent record which follows you from place to place throughout your life. This is usually done to repeat fornicators although it entirely depends on the Bishop...something that as a member we referred to as "Leadership roulette."
4. The member is called into a full “disciplinary council” and judged by the “High Council”…twelve men who act as judge and jury. These are for cases involving adultery rather than fornication, and usually result in expulsion from the church. In Mormonism this is known as “excommunication.“ Apostasy, Gay marriage, and other serious “sins” are also grounds for disciplinary councils and expulsion.

Funny thing is, members seem to think that because nothing is said outside the bishop's office about "why" sinners aren't permitted to participate, means that confidentiality has been maintained. It made it quite easy to decode who had done what, without anything being said publicly. In the cruelty of teenage years, this sometimes resulted in bullying.

Mormonism has an unhealthy focus and viewpoint regarding human sexuality. 

In the Book of Mormon, Alma 39:3-5 says:

3 And this is not all, my son. Thou didst do that which was grievous unto me; for thou didst forsake the ministry, and did go over into the land of Siron among the borders of the Lamanites, after the harlot Isabel.

4 Yea, she did steal away the hearts of many; but this was no excuse for thee, my son. Thou shouldst have tended to the ministry wherewith thou wast entrusted.

5 Know ye not, my son, that these things are an abomination in the sight of the Lord; yea, most abominable above all sins save it be the shedding of innocent blood or denying the Holy Ghost?

(emphasis added)

This is the scriptural source from Mormon canon which provides the excuse for the boundary crossing and deeply disturbing interest in the private and personal sexual behavior of Mormon members. This is interpreted to mean that sexual behavior is “the sin next to murder” (the shedding of innocent blood.) For some reason, the church leaders think that they have the right and the power...even the responsiblility to dive deeply into members' sexual behavior.

Starting at about age twelve, lessons of sexual purity are included in the segregated young men’s and young women's Sunday classes. These classes include this passage above, and also include analogies drawing comparisons between those who've engaged in sexual behavior as being soiled like “licked cupcakes and chewed bubblegum.”

One commonly used resource in the past was a book entitled “The Miracle of Forgiveness” which taught that ALL sexual behavior, including masturbation and petting, fell into this category of being "sexual sin" and therefore “the sin next to murder.” It also taught gems like, masturbation leads to homosexuality, which leads to bestiality.

Huh? What?!

Additionally, “Prophets” (a title given to the head leader of the Mormon church) in the past taught that it was better to be dead than [sexually] defiled. It is important to understand the cultural backdrop of Mormonism to understand the devastating depth of sexual shaming.

With this information, let’s return to that 15 year old boy, me, sitting in the bishop’s office experiencing his first sexual shaming interview.

Bishop: “Do you believe in God the father, in his son Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Ghost?”

Me: “Yes.”

Bishop: “Do you strive to keep the commandments of God?”

Me: Yes.

Bishop: “Do you keep the law of chastity?”

Me: “Yes.”

Bishop: “Do you have a problem with  masturbation?”

Me: Huh? What's that? I wonder… if he means… ‘THAT.’ “No, no problem.”

Mind you, that was an honest response. Up to that point it wasn’t a problem. But a man I respected and trusted, a church authority just defined it as one.

There were a few other questions but I really don't remember them now.

It was some months later I finally found out what it meant. My cultural programming kicked in and guilt fell on me like a mountain. Not only was I guilty of the sin next to murder, I’d lied about it to a man who was representing GOD!

That was when I started thinking about suicide. I’d do my best to leave my little factory alone, sometimes going an entire week…then I’d relapse. I prayed until I had calluses on my knees to be able to stop. I considered self mutilation very seriously.  Guilt didn’t stop me. In fact it made it worse because I was constantly obsessing over it. And, I kept all the guilt and shame bottled up… entirely bottled up. To discuss it with anyone put me at social risk.

I endured 30 years of daily suicidal thoughts up until I left the church…all over a single interview... An interview which had me at age 45, standing in a cold mountain valley at 2:00 am, with a gun to my head. That was the day I walked away from Mormonism. Only when I rejected the sexual mindf*ck of Mormonism and learned that masturbation is a normal developmental stage of maturation was I able to forgive the fifteen year old in me. I didn’t feel remorse for masturbation prior to that interview because there was nothing to trigger my empathetic “I’ve  harmed someone” feelings. But once I accepted that masturbation was “wrong” (not just wrong, but a sin comparable to murder) I was helpless against the guilt. 

I've seen and heard statements that “guilt” is “necessary.” It IS necessary when one person is trying to control another. If one can successfully impose shame then the corresponding guilt makes a powerful tool for control. Take sex, which is a human need, make it a sin comparable to murder, get people to buy in… and congratulations…you just gained slave-like control.

Mormonism isn’t about “making better people.” It is all about control. Shame, guilt, and the threat of social isolation are its weapons. Depression, repression, obsession, and anxiety are the result.