Forcing Children's Confessions

Every now and then life just slaps you upside the head with an understanding that makes you realize how blind cultural programming can make you. 

I was listening to “The Cultural Hall” podcast with Sam Young talking about his petition to stop sexual questioning of LDS children in their annual and semi-annual “worthiness interviews.” You can listen to the podcast here.

Sam made a statement in this podcast that hit me like a brick to the face. I’m still reeling from it. He said,

“You know, the problem with these interviews is that they are coerced confessions.”

His statement here is amazingly intuitive…and a very large part of what is wrong with them. Growing up I went through my share of these interviews and frankly, I detested them. I was always uncomfortable especially when the bishops would start into the sexual questions, and for the record, yes, I lied about masturbation too, which never set well with me. I was raised in a home where honesty was valued.

Let’s call these interviews by their proper name, “coerced confessions.” Digging a little deeper, it’s important to understand that forced confessions are a mark of zealotry. The only difference between a forced confession today and one that occurred during the horrible period of the Spanish Inquisition was that today they can't use physical torture and they can’t burn you at the stake for heresy. They can do something almost as bad though. They can shame you, tell your parents, and make life a living hell.

I saw one young lady stand up in “Fast and Testimony meeting,” who apologized to the entire ward for having gotten pregnant out of wedlock. It was forty-seven years ago and I was only eight years old, yet I can still remember clearly the shame and embarrassment on her face.  I’m honestly surprised she never committed suicide.  I know others who did. I’m surmising here, but I have a high degree of suspicion that the bishop of the time required her to do that as part of her “repentance process.”

There’s quite a substantial difference between someone who turns to the bishop for help and one who is coerced into confessing sexual sins. Unfortunately, the sexual repression inherent in a religion which views sex outside of marriage as “the sin next to murder” doesn’t usually bode well for the person coming to ask for help as it exposes them to church discipline…which is unfortunately public in nature.  Such discipline can range from being restricted from partaking of the sacrament (a public service) to restriction from participating in church activities (even more public) to outright expulsion from the church. In the world of Mormon Leadership Roulette, honesty can be risky, especially given the cultural shame surrounding sex in Mormonism.

The sexual shame arising from the idea that “sex is the sin next to murder” which is based on a set of Book of Mormon verses (Alma 39:3-5) has resulted in a church which has left an astonishing legacy of marital problems in its wake, from marriages with extremely poor sexual communication, to sexual inhibitions between partners, to men and women who still struggle with intimacy in marriage when they are middle aged. I can say this as one who has experienced these problems. The lack of sexual intimacy was a core issue in the demise of my first marriage.

Recently Utah declared porn to be a “public health crisis.” It’s fascinating when one recognizes that the Mormon church publicly denounces porn, but doesn’t understand, nor is it willing to admit its own role in creating this so-called crisis.

I had the opportunity at one point to sit down and discuss these issues with one of the top “sexual addiction” therapists in the state of Utah. In our discussion he made some fairly significant points.

He said,

"It’s unfortunate that the church doesn’t recognize its role in creating sexual porn addicts. First, they’ve created a taboo around sex, so nobody is comfortable talking about it. In doing so they’ve given sex an aura of mystery and desirability made all the more so, because its very taboo-ness adds to the excitement and danger of finding out.  Second, parents are uncomfortable talking about sex with the children and it shuts down any ‘licit’ channels of communication. Where do they have to go to get information?  Well, today we have this resource called the Internet…and along with that comes access to porn. Third, porn is never going to tell you ‘no.’ These things all come together in a perfect storm…but it all starts with the church demonizing sex, and sexual behavior.  It is unfortunate, because sex is a human need and the shaming and demonizing sets up a person to obsess over sex rather than dealing with it in healthy ways."

The final piece of the equation though gets back to “worthiness interviews.” Here is where children are coerced in confessing their “bedroom sins” and where they are shamed and humiliated.  Here is where guilt is applied in a mistaken tactic of stopping masturbatory behavior.  Here is where children are taught to self-loath for a normal behavior.

As recently stated by the LDS Church, "worthiness interviews are considered an integral part of Mormonism." Here is where Sam's brick hit me, in realizing that we justify these interviews as “okay” because we have been culturally conditioned to think that sitting down with our untrained neighbor, (whether a plumber, or a CEO) behind a closed door, we should grant him the privilege of judging us, judging our worthiness. Even worse, we grant this person the right of questioning and judging our innocent children for sexual behavior (which in any other situation is considered “creepy” if not “criminal.”)  This is in an interview not of our choosing, and we all are being required to "confess our sins.” We and our children didn't come in to be "helped." We were "called in" and questioned for the purpose of being judged.

I never felt safe in a Mormon church in an emotional sense of the word. I realize now that it was a result of “coerced confessions.” It was the demand that I share private behavior and risk having it made public through “church discipline.”

Please help us stop the shaming and guilt for normal behavior. Sign Sam Young’s petition here.

Mormon Worthiness Interviews: Or How To Indoctrinate Toxic Shame

Mormon Worthiness Interviews:

Or How To Indoctrinate Toxic Shame

Remorse, shame, and guilt. 

Arguably, these three words describe the most painful moments of our lives. Some think that they are the same thing. I think that there are distinctions among them which have important bearing on our social interactions. Without understanding these distinctions  we make assumptions which can have long term and damaging influence on our lives and the lives of our friends and family.

Regrettably, America is fundamentally a shaming culture. We shame  and blame people and behavior we disapprove of,  regardless of whether or not harm was caused . In my view the fundamental difference between guilt and remorse is that guilt is imposed through shame, where remorse is the internal acknowledgement of our basic empathy. When we have caused harm to another our own internal compass makes us feel remorse. Guilt however is a result of shame, and is not remorse. Guilt is externally imposed, remorse is internal and a product of empathy.

Let me give a personal example. I figured out the masturbation thing at around 12 years of age. I did it, it felt good, and I went on with life. Periodically, I'd do it again. I didn't feel one iota of remorse for doing so. I never associated it with sexual behavior, nor did I need porn. (This was back in the pre-Internet days.)  

At around 15 years of age, I was summoned for a “worthiness interview.” As a Mormon, these annual interviews were employed to make sure we were “living to the standards of the Church“

During this “interview” I was placed in an office with a man more than twice my age. There were no others in the office with us. The door was closed, and there was no window. The man conducting the interview is known in Mormonism as a “Bishop,” which is analogous to a pastor in Christian sects. In Mormonism though, these men aren't just pastors, they are also viewed as “judges in Israel.”

According to Mormon theology these men aren't only placed in authority over the congregation they are also granted, by virtue of their “calling” an extra measure of “spiritual discernment.”  Such discernment is to be used in ascertaining a member’s “worthiness” to “serve in positions of responsibility.”  More importantly, they are to decide when a member hasn't kept the “standards of the Church,” the type of punishment and length of time endured without a recurrence of “sinful behavior“ before a member has sufficiently repented and is welcomed back into full acceptance in the Church. 

 In the interests of full disclosure these punishments fall (generally) into one of four actions.

1. The member is forbidden from taking “the Sacrament.” This is a weekly, public ceremony. Doesn't seem like much of a punishment, right? For an adolescent and teenager though, it can be mortifying. For these ages, not taking the sacrament generally has one meaning, you did the big no no, and were involved in some kind of sexual sin, like masturbation or petting. In a society obsessed with sexual purity, this is a much more serious social punishment than it appears to outsiders. 
2. In addition to the first condition, the member is also forbidden  from participating in classes, giving prayers, or making comments. This is usually done for those who've engaged in sexual intercourse, committing the sin of fornication. It is a form of additional social shaming.
3. The member is called into a bishop's court and “disfellowshipped.” This is a formal proceeding and goes on a permanent record which follows you from place to place throughout your life. This is usually done to repeat fornicators although it entirely depends on the Bishop...something that as a member we referred to as "Leadership roulette."
4. The member is called into a full “disciplinary council” and judged by the “High Council”…twelve men who act as judge and jury. These are for cases involving adultery rather than fornication, and usually result in expulsion from the church. In Mormonism this is known as “excommunication.“ Apostasy, Gay marriage, and other serious “sins” are also grounds for disciplinary councils and expulsion.

Funny thing is, members seem to think that because nothing is said outside the bishop's office about "why" sinners aren't permitted to participate, means that confidentiality has been maintained. It made it quite easy to decode who had done what, without anything being said publicly. In the cruelty of teenage years, this sometimes resulted in bullying.

Mormonism has an unhealthy focus and viewpoint regarding human sexuality. 

In the Book of Mormon, Alma 39:3-5 says:

3 And this is not all, my son. Thou didst do that which was grievous unto me; for thou didst forsake the ministry, and did go over into the land of Siron among the borders of the Lamanites, after the harlot Isabel.

4 Yea, she did steal away the hearts of many; but this was no excuse for thee, my son. Thou shouldst have tended to the ministry wherewith thou wast entrusted.

5 Know ye not, my son, that these things are an abomination in the sight of the Lord; yea, most abominable above all sins save it be the shedding of innocent blood or denying the Holy Ghost?

(emphasis added)

This is the scriptural source from Mormon canon which provides the excuse for the boundary crossing and deeply disturbing interest in the private and personal sexual behavior of Mormon members. This is interpreted to mean that sexual behavior is “the sin next to murder” (the shedding of innocent blood.) For some reason, the church leaders think that they have the right and the power...even the responsiblility to dive deeply into members' sexual behavior.

Starting at about age twelve, lessons of sexual purity are included in the segregated young men’s and young women's Sunday classes. These classes include this passage above, and also include analogies drawing comparisons between those who've engaged in sexual behavior as being soiled like “licked cupcakes and chewed bubblegum.”

One commonly used resource in the past was a book entitled “The Miracle of Forgiveness” which taught that ALL sexual behavior, including masturbation and petting, fell into this category of being "sexual sin" and therefore “the sin next to murder.” It also taught gems like, masturbation leads to homosexuality, which leads to bestiality.

Huh? What?!

Additionally, “Prophets” (a title given to the head leader of the Mormon church) in the past taught that it was better to be dead than [sexually] defiled. It is important to understand the cultural backdrop of Mormonism to understand the devastating depth of sexual shaming.

With this information, let’s return to that 15 year old boy, me, sitting in the bishop’s office experiencing his first sexual shaming interview.

Bishop: “Do you believe in God the father, in his son Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Ghost?”

Me: “Yes.”

Bishop: “Do you strive to keep the commandments of God?”

Me: Yes.

Bishop: “Do you keep the law of chastity?”

Me: “Yes.”

Bishop: “Do you have a problem with  masturbation?”

Me: Huh? What's that? I wonder… if he means… ‘THAT.’ “No, no problem.”

Mind you, that was an honest response. Up to that point it wasn’t a problem. But a man I respected and trusted, a church authority just defined it as one.

There were a few other questions but I really don't remember them now.

It was some months later I finally found out what it meant. My cultural programming kicked in and guilt fell on me like a mountain. Not only was I guilty of the sin next to murder, I’d lied about it to a man who was representing GOD!

That was when I started thinking about suicide. I’d do my best to leave my little factory alone, sometimes going an entire week…then I’d relapse. I prayed until I had calluses on my knees to be able to stop. I considered self mutilation very seriously.  Guilt didn’t stop me. In fact it made it worse because I was constantly obsessing over it. And, I kept all the guilt and shame bottled up… entirely bottled up. To discuss it with anyone put me at social risk.

I endured 30 years of daily suicidal thoughts up until I left the church…all over a single interview... An interview which had me at age 45, standing in a cold mountain valley at 2:00 am, with a gun to my head. That was the day I walked away from Mormonism. Only when I rejected the sexual mindf*ck of Mormonism and learned that masturbation is a normal developmental stage of maturation was I able to forgive the fifteen year old in me. I didn’t feel remorse for masturbation prior to that interview because there was nothing to trigger my empathetic “I’ve  harmed someone” feelings. But once I accepted that masturbation was “wrong” (not just wrong, but a sin comparable to murder) I was helpless against the guilt. 

I've seen and heard statements that “guilt” is “necessary.” It IS necessary when one person is trying to control another. If one can successfully impose shame then the corresponding guilt makes a powerful tool for control. Take sex, which is a human need, make it a sin comparable to murder, get people to buy in… and congratulations…you just gained slave-like control.

Mormonism isn’t about “making better people.” It is all about control. Shame, guilt, and the threat of social isolation are its weapons. Depression, repression, obsession, and anxiety are the result.